A Report on Homosexuality within League of Legends

        A Report on Homosexuality within League of Legends

    If you’ve ever been on the internet and played video games before, chances are you’ve heard of Riot Games’s masterpiece, League of Legends. Boasting 115 million active monthly users worldwide, Riot Games has apparently created a hit video game. However, those among you, my dear audience, who have played League or have even watched someone else play League, know for certain that a certain condition afflicts players of this game. 

    Homosexuality, the greatest of all mental-psycho-physio-somatic-emotional-personality disorders is present in at least every game of League of Legends. LGB people make of 3.5% of all adults in the US, but in a 10-player game, why is it that six of those 10 players are homosexuals? Furthermore, we know for sure that they are gay, and not lesbians or bisexuals because of the well-known fact that women do not play video games, and since women do not play video games, there is no reason for bisexual men to play video games. This comes back to the original question. Why is League of League of Legends so highly correlated with gay?

Taric x Ezreal: A Popular Fancanon

    I asked Harvard Law Professor Dr. Peter Asti why he thought so many League of Legends players were homosexuals. “I believe that by amassing so many angry and sexually frustrated young men in one place, Riot has made a place were homosexuality can easily spread from person-to-person.” He also asked that any League of Legends players attending Harvard would visit his office after regular office hours. “I would like to research the topic further by thoroughly investigating any League of Legends players at the University.”

    To research more on this topic, I downloaded and played League of Legends myself for a few days. In order to limit my exposure to the gay, I only played for two games each day and I had my unpaid intern play the other 18 games per day. As interested as I was in the subject, I had to keep my health in the forefront of my priorities. While I am thankful that I managed to endure the month-long exposure to the gay, my intern was not as fortunate, and upon finding him lifting his truck, ordering a milkshake and appreciating ancient Greek art, I had to quarantine him until his homosexuality returned to normal levels. 

Milkshakes and Homosexuality

    What I discovered confirmed Dr. Asti’s hypothesis. At the beginning of the month, my intern began each game by typing, “Gl, hf!” in each of his games, but by the end, he had stopped typing that and had instead began advertising his Egirl.gg profile, which he boasted he had placed in the girls’ section. By placing young men in an environment which enforces strict hierarchies between each team of five players and even between the five players on each team, the bottom three players on each team are treated as expendable, and begin begging the top two players on each team to “Chill out, it’s just a game” or “Please stop split-pushing top.” 

    We can infer that these statements are referring to homosexual activities by the usage of the words “chill”, “game” and “top.” I attempted to interview user FuG_ya_MuM274 about his experience with the homosexual community within League of Legends, but he was unresponsive, only replying with racial slurs; it is a shame that he refused to talk to the best investigative journalist in gaming today.

    At great personal cost, I dived deep into the League of Legends community and discovered what enticed six out of 10 players to become homosexuals. The 10 frustrated men combined with the competitive atmosphere creating a breeding ground for homosexuality. I pray that I never have to investigate another cesspool of egotistical and homosexual men ever again.

Two League Players on an Average Night

-Douglas 道格拉斯 of Big Bohos